good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize