I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
