im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
