I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
