Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
