The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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