And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize