where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The air was thick with penises
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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