Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
