dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
