why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
