I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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