I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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