I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
