Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
