Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
