I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
