New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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