my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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