overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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