my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
