Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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