But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
