I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
now i know why i became what i already was.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
