I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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