Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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