Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
