I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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