My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize