you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
