at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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