Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
