i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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