you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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