meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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