the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
