I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
