Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
