Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
