Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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