I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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