I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
