Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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