oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
