I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
