I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
