I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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