WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
