i barfeds in our rink
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
