she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
