I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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