chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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