If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
