I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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