it hurts more in the daytime
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
