I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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