I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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