At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
