I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
