I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize