Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I looked at my own cervix.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize